Time for a break

There comes a time, when one thinks it might be time to give up the blog-writing days of my life. When I started this, I told myself that I would do this as long as it was assisting me by helping me get through the terrible journey called my life over the last almost 2 years. I have come to a point that I do not feel welcome on my own blog. I do not feel as if I can come here and write out my feelings. I feel as if there are people out there judging me in how I am grieving over the loss of my son. I have people telling me what is right or wrong, when they have never been in my shoes.

I know by having this blog, I am putting myself out there, for all to see, and frankly, to judge also. But that is not my intent for this blog. I needed this to talk about Cooper. I needed this to connect with other Angel babies mommy's. I needed someone to listen to me, and perhaps encourage me when I needed it. And at times, this blog has been a saving grace to me. And for those of you who encouraged me, sent me notes of love, hugs from afar, what ever you have done for me, thank you. I have made some great friends through this journey. And for your friendship I will be forever grateful.

I don't know if maybe it is the start of the holidays getting to me, or what. But I have been thinking alot about Cooper, and how this would have been his first Christmas with Daddy home. All the what might have been's are coming crashing back into my reality. In 2 short months, Ron and I will be celebrating our son's 2nd birthday. Hard to believe, 2 years, really? wow. Seems so long ago, yet just like yesterday. 2009 has flown by. I am hoping for 2010 to be an amazing year. I have all hopes that it will be.

I am going to take a bit of a hiatus, for how long, I am not sure. Forever? Probably not. Maybe I just need to get through the next few months, and then I will be back to "feeling it" but for now, I have no urge to be judged or ridiculed for the way I am grieving for my son. I hope you understand. And like I said, I am not setting my friendships aside, I appreciate all of you. Please bear with me. I should be back.

But until them...

Please continue to pray for all the angel babies and their families.

All the troops that fight for our freedom, and their families that are left behind to hold down the home front.

God Bless you all.

Total Craziness

Things definitely have been a bit crazy around here lately. Last Thursday was such a heart breaking day. I am sure everyone knows the details, just as much as I. 13 dead, 29 injured. Those numbers are just terrible. Ron and I spent the weekend wondering how something like this can happen. It is just a terrible thought to think that on post, (Ft. Hood) this could happen. We have decided to play it safe and for me to just stay away from the craziness of post for awhile. As Ron puts it, It is just not worth the risk.

In my last post, when I was asking for my readers to pray, I had someone comment, that I should see just how blessed I really am, that my husband was safe that day. You are right, I know I am blessed. I count my blessing every night, even before this happened. I am healthy, my husband is healthy, we get to spend time with each other now, before he deploys again...and even when it comes to Cooper. I am BLESSED to be his Momma. I am BLESSED to have had my son live for 2 days.

But what I do not agree with you on is that I am always saying that God has it in for me. I have NEVER put what happened to Cooper on God. It was not God's doing that my son died. If you know me, personally, and know the WHOLE STORY behind Cooper's passing, you would know that I would never put that on God.

URGENT!!!! PLEASE PRAY!!!!!!

2nd update*********
I HEARD FROM RON, AND HE IS FINE. PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR THOSE WHO LOST THEIR LOVED ONES TODAY!

*****UPDATE******
AS OF RIGHT NOW, I HAVE YET TO HEAR FORM RON. I AM SURE HE IS FINE, BUT YOU JUST NEVER KNOW....IT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE IT IS IN HIS AREA. PLEASE JUST CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR EVERYONE'S SAFETY.
*****************************

AS I WRITE THIS, THERE IS A SHOOTING GOING ON FT. HOOD. YES, THIS IS WHERE WE ARE STATIONED. THE POST IS ON LOCKDOWN, AND 7 ARE CONFIRMED DEAD, AND MANY MORE ARE INJURED. PLEASE PRAY FOR THE FAMILIES OF THESE SHOOTING VICTIMS. AND ALSO PRAY FOR THE OFFICIALS WHO ARE SEARCHING FOR THE 2 SHOOTERS WHO ARE STILL ON THE LOOSE. 1 SHOOTER HAS BEEN CAPTURED. JUST PLEASE.... PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you know...

How much I love you

How much I miss you

How I would have taken your place in a heartbeat

How no one will ever take your place in my heart

How you will always be my little man

How much you are loved

How much you are missed

How much you mean to me

WGC* Fall Part 2

These are some of the pictures my friend Danine took. The colors are just amazing... Thank you again, Neener for taking these for me. It means so much to me!

Just a view of the different colors.

One of the beautiful trees right by Cooper's place. Soo pretty!

And this is another tree by Cooper's place.

And this one is looking down at the road coming up to the cemetery.

WGC* in the Fall

*Wintergreen Gorge Cemetery

Here are some more photos from my friends that went to Cooper's Cemetery this past weekend. I had to share more with you because they are just so breath taking. These are the ones from my friend Angelina. Tomorrow, I will share the ones from Danine. I hope you enjoy the beautiful fall colors. Sure makes me miss home...ALOT!!! Just don't get color like this in Texas.

This one is super special. She was going to crop the balloon out of the corner, but if you read what it says, she thought it was a way of Cooper telling him Momma & Daddy that he misses us. I love it. And it is a perspective view (ground level) of Cooper's. I know, he can't obviously "see" but if he could, this would be what he would see.

This is the road going up to the part of the cemetery where the graves are. It is just so beautiful. The yellows are so pretty.

This is another shot from down by the ponds, at the front of the cemetery. Absolutely amazing. I love this place, could not have picked a better place for Cooper's eternal resting place.

This is the waterfall that connects the two ponds. I really have no words for this photo. Just amazing. Really, really beautiful!

Thank you again Angelina for going and taking some photo's for me. It really means alot to me and all of them are so beautiful. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Learning to Live, Again

Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes you just want to throw in the towel and walk away from everything. There are the times when you want to be happy, but you live with such a guarded heart, that you are afraid of being happy. So you pretend that good things don't happen, because you are afraid that something will happy to take your happiness away. It is something that you have to learn all over again. It takes time. We are fast approaching the 2 year mark of Cooper's passing, and I still have not found that comfort zone. Everything scares me. Anytime something remotely good comes our way, I always look around the corner to see where the bad thing is. It is just who I am now, and how I function.

Life is a journey, one that is set for us far before we know the twists and turns. We have no choice but to live it, and try our best to make it amazing. I am choosing to live my life. I am choosing to find that happiness. I am choosing to be the wife that my husband married, I am choosing to be the daughter that I was before this tragedy happened. Also to be the sister, aunt, niece, granddaughter and so on and so on. I want to be the "old" Suzie. But I am thinking that the "new" Suzie, well she is not so bad.

I want to be the friend that I was before this happened. You see, I have lost many, many friends since January 2008. It still hurts today. I lost friendships that were supposed to be rock solid. I lost friends that were supposed to be my "Best Friends" I know dealing with a friend who just lost a baby is hard, but when you are "friends" it is not supposed to be so hard that you just STOP being my friend.

I may have lost some friends through this whole ordeal, but I have also made many, many friends who have helped me so much through everything. I could never thank them enough for all they have done for me, my life, my marriage, my soul. I am completely blessed beyond belief. You all know who you are. I love you all with all my heart.

Below you will find some photo's that I just have to share with you. I hope you enjoy them. I have many more to post, but that will have to wait for another day.


This Photo was taken by my dear friend, Danine. She was so kind to go and take some photos up at Cooper's cemetery this past weekend. The giraffes are her's that her son got her when he was younger. (She shares the same love of giraffes as I do!)


This photo is at the entrance of Cooper's cemetery. It was taken by my other dear friend, Angelina. She, along with Danine captured so many precious photos for me. I am so thankful for all of them.


This one, again by Angelina, just melts my heart. There are no other words. She knew just what I needed to see.

Days like today

There are just some days where I feel down in the dumps, and the only thing I want to do is see my sweet precious baby boy Cooper. His precious face, chunky legs, his big feet and that little button nose. The days keep passing by, the weeks, months, and then on to the years. Hard to believe that the second anniversary of his passing is coming so quickly. It seems like it was just yesterday, but then again, it seems like forever ago. We miss him. We would do anything to have him here with us. We would both give our own life for his. We know that is not possible. We know we will only see him in our dreams, that is until we get to Heaven to hold him once again. Cooper will live on in our hearts forever. The amount of pain will never fade.


I watched his video again today. I have to say it is the first time in about 5-6 months. I love it, it brings the days of his life right back to me. Some new blog readers have not seen it, and maybe you might just want to watch it again. Either way. Enjoy seeing our baby boy. We are so proud to be his Momma & Daddy. And have the tissues ready... It is an amazing video!

http://www.vimeo.com/2574884




And to finish off the post, here is our lil man, peeking out at the world... My favorite picture by far.

Remembering ALL babies today

Today is a day for remembering...

http://www.october15th.com/

So many people in this world are missing many precious little babies today. Won't you say a prayer for them and their families today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

God, Bless all the precious babies that you chose to take home with you, and wrap your arms around the families that are living without their precious children.

Remembering our precious Cooper Allen, today, tomorrow and always. We love you so much lil man. ~Love Momma & Daddy~

Not-So-Wordless-Wednesday

This picture is something that I have wanted my whole life.

To have my dad here when I had my children.

I wanted my children to grow up and have "Papa" to play around with.

I miss this day. I miss my son.