Name on the Wall

This is what Cooper's wall looked like at Aunt Kelly's house, decorated in the animals. Especially the giraffe, Momma's favorite. You might remember seeing this picture before...

And here it is, Our little Princess' wall, here in Texas. We are doing her room in Winnie the Pooh. One of my favorites when I was younger. Tigger was always my favorite, but I like all of them. Take a look, Momma did her letters, and Daddy put the stickers up for her... Check it out!



Her name is going to be Carlynn Kay. (Pronounced Car-lynn) Her name has special meaning to both of our families. Let me start off by saying, I am named after both of my grandmothers. I have both of their middle names. And growing up, I always thought that it was a cool thing, to carry on both of their names, especially since one of them has passed away. So after we found out that we were having a girl. The search began. We went through the book many, many times, not knowing what we wanted. The only thing we knew was that it had to start with a "C". Shouldn't be hard, right? HAHA

After a few weeks, we hit pay-dirt! I got to thinking about Ron's mom's middle name (Lynn) and my mom's (Kay) and well, since we already have a Kylee on Ron's side (one of our nieces) so a Kaylynn was too close to Kylee. So I liked Carleigh, but I have one of those on my side of the family, so... I thought of Carlynn Kay. Proposed it to Ron, and explained the meaning of Carlynn. This past summer, my mother in laws father passed away very unexpectedly. His name was Carl. And what an amazing man he was. So if you combine his name, Carl, and his daughters name, my mother in law, Lynn, waaaalaaaaa, You have Carlynn. Then you add my mother's middle name as hers, and I present to you, Carlynn Kay Smith.

And something that makes this all to perfect, I am going to be having a c-section at 39 weeks, and my friends, I will be 39 weeks on his birthday... (Mother-in laws fathers birthday) How strange...how perfect...Now, there is nothing saying that will be the day she will be born, but the thought that she will be born on or around his birthday is a blessing. Seeing how he is part her namesake. Very special. And a added bonus... My Mom's birthday is the day before his. So we really have a shot at hitting someones big day.

In Comparison:

They say that no two pregnancies are alike, and boy, that could not be more true with me. I know the first time you are pregnant, you don't know what to expect, and when, and most of all, just because someone else's pregnancy goes this or that way, does not mean yours will. I will say that I was completely naive during all of Cooper's pregnancy. Not once did I think anything could or would happen to my baby. I never second guessed anything my doctors told me. But this time... it is all different. I am opening my mouth more, if I don't understand something, I am sure to ask for him to clarify. He is a patient, understanding man. And I am blessed to have an amazing doctor to take care of me and my precious princess.

I found out we were pregnant at about 3 weeks along... seriously... I joke with Ron and tell him it was right after it happened. With Cooper, I believe I was about 6 weeks along when I took a test. On the morning I found out this time, I just didn't feel right. Something just felt off. And yes, I had some tests left over from the month before. (always prepared HAHA) I was still days away from the start of my menstrual cycle, but thought, what the heck, just do it. I had a very strong feeling that I was. Ron was at work that day. So I thought to myself, if it is positive, then I could plan something sweet and romantic to tell him when he got home. Well, after the 3 minute wait to find out... Of course me being me, I could not hold it in until he got home from work. So I took a picture with my phone and sent it to him. He said at first he didn't know what it was. But then he called me and said, Really??? HAHA it was great. From that moment one, we were thrilled. The same as when we found out about Cooper.

I remember with Cooper wanting to show right away. I was longing to have that big prego belly. I have wanted to have a baby for the longest time. And it was something that Ron and I wanted so bad. I believe, according to my pictures in Cooper's scrapbook, I really started to show at about 23 weeks. I wasn't huge, but you could tell I was pregnant. This time, I am 22 weeks today, and I personally, don't think I look very big. When I lay in bed, on my back, I definitely have the baby bump going on... but since I have retained some of my Cooper weight, I think that makes it hard to tell. I have a feeling princess is not going to be as big as Cooper was.

During Cooper's pregnancy, I, like all pregnant woman, was tested for gestational diabetes. My results came back on the "high side of normal" but was still normal, so the doctor said he was not concerned. And this time, since my weight was a bit high at the beginning of my pregnancy, they tested me right away. And taaa-daaaaa. I have it. So I have gestational diabetes. And I am doing great with it. I have to test my blood sugar 4 times a day, watch what I eat, concentrating on my Carbohydrate intake. I get more exercise now. Mainly just getting out of the house more. I am also working part-time. I started working right before Thanksgiving, and I plan on working for the next few months. I enjoy being back out in the retail world. Something that I love. I have also lost quite a bit of weight since I started changing my diet. Which at first I was pretty concerned since, well, duh, I was pregnant, and the last time I checked, pregnant woman are not supposed to loose weight. But I have capped off my weight loss, and feel great.

I remember feeling Cooper move at about 20 weeks. And this lil bugger, she has been moving since about 15 weeks. I think it mainly has to do with the fact with Cooper, since he was my first, I did not know what to feel. And now... she is non-stop! Still haven't feel her kick from the outside, but I am sure that is not too far away. I know Ron is anxious to feel her kick. He told me the other day that he wonders what it is like to feel something kick and move inside of you. I just told him it was amazing. :o)

I find it odd, that when I was getting towards the end of my pregnancy with Coop, I was not one bit nervous. I think it goes back to the naive part. This time, as the days and weeks tick away on my calendar, I find myself getting more and more nervous. 17 more weeks, that is it. Only 17 more weeks and we will be holding our lil girl in our arms. And before anyone asks.... YES, we will be having her via C-Section. We have already talked it over with our doc, and he completely agrees that a natural birth is not in our best option, based on Cooper's story.

So everything is going great. Baby girl is growing, Momma is feeling great, and we anxiously await her arrival. Daddy has been working so hard to get her room all set up. She is just going to love it! I know I do!

Doing good

Yep. I am still here. Still doing well. Just not too much to talk about these days. Truckin' along on the pregnancy calendar. 21 weeks down, and 18 more to go. I am not sure how I feel about talking about the new baby on Cooper's blog. We are so happy to be blessed to be having a new life in our family. It does not change the fact that we miss Cooper enormously, and would still trade my life for his, but obviously that can't happen. I know this is my blog, and I can do with it what I want, but can't decide how much I want to incorporate the new with the old on here.

So just bear with me, as I sort through my feelings on this. I will surely keep you posted on how things are going. And thank you again for all the well wishes on expecting our new lil princess!

Over the 2 year hump

We made it. Hard to believe it, but we did. 2 years? WOW. I have to say that things are finally starting to get easier. Ron and I have had a full year together (almost) to heal as a couple. We have grown so much over the last year. We have learned that even though Cooper is our son, and we have been forced to deal with our emotions on different levels, and we both have learned that no two people grieve the same way. Would have been a great lesson to know before we went through some hard times. But oh well, it has made our marriage stronger, and better.

We had a very low key day for Cooper on his birthday. Ron got to be home all day, which was great. We went and got two small cakes, one for him and one for me. We are trying to watch what we eat, so we didn't want a big cake just sitting around the house, begging to be eaten. Then we got him his special balloon, to send up to him. I wanted Ron to release it this year, since I did it last year while he was in Iraq. The day was calm, relaxing and pretty enjoyable. We got many, many Birthday wishes for Cooper throughout the day. All of which touched my heart in such a special way. I want to thank you all for remembering our precious boy. It really does mean so much to Ron and I.

On Saturday, Cooper's Heaven Day, we really didn't do much, just relaxed and rested. On Friday afternoon, I pulled a muscle in my back and had to go to the hospital. So I was ordered to rest for the weekend. So we just hung out at home, spend the day thinking and talking about Cooper, and wondering what it would be like to have a 2 year old running around the house. We had many people send their thoughts and prayers to us on Saturday. My sister said she made it up to the cemetery, but was unable to get to Cooper's resting place because of all the snow. It is especially hard since the section he is in, all the headstones are flush to the ground, so she would have had a difficult time finding him. I wish Ron and I could have been in PA for his days to celebrate. Hopefully soon we can be there.

So, anyways, we made it. Year 2 was much easier than year 1. Not having to hear all the "first's" of everything that would have been. I am looking forward to see how 2010 plans out for our family.

Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers during the past 2 years. Love to you all!

Ok, I can't wait any longer...

I have to spill the beans now, instead of waiting until tomorrow... I just can't hold it in any longer. here is the whole picture of what I showed you earlier...




And here is a picture of who this nice bright pink piggy bank is for...



Let me introduce you to the newest member of our family... As of right now, we are told that it is a girl. Now, we were told that pretty early on, but of course the doctor told us he was not 100% sure. We are due June 1st, 2010. I go for my 20 week detailed ultrasound on Monday, so we should get a better view and be able to tell for sure that it is in fact a girl. We are over the moon with excitement. All of our families are happy & excited.

Our preparations are going well. The baby is healthy, and growing at a good pace. We have slowly started to purchase things for the nursery. I never thought I would be a mom to a baby girl, so buying pink things has been fun. Ron picked out the bright pink piggy bank for Baby. And no, the room will not be done in pigs, sorry Val! LOL

I want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers over the past two years. Whether you prayed for emotional healing for Ron and I, peace for Cooper, or maybe you even prayed for a little brother or sister for Cooper. We appreciate it so very much. I wish I could personally give each and every one of you a hug. I can't do that, so this will have to do... (((((((((HUGS))))))))) What a way to start out a new year. Bring it on 2010!!!! I am ready for the new and exciting things that are in store for my family!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something BIG

Just wanted to let you all know, I have an announcement to make, but it is going to wait until tomorrow's post. It is exciting, and I can't wait to share it with you all. So until then, here is a little glimpse of what I have to share. Have a great Friday, and check back tomorrow evening for the announcement.


Do YOU know what it is? Any guesses????

Cooper's 2nd Birthday in Pictures

Here is his Balloon for his big day.



Daddy getting ready to let it go to him!



"Get ready Cooper, here it comes!"



There you go lil buddy! It is on it's way to you!


Up, Up and away!

Birthday Pictures, Part 2

Cooper's giraffe with Mommy & Daddy's cake. Daddy got the chocolate one, and Mommy got the one with the sprinkles.


Another shot with his giraffe. We wouldn't let the giraffe be out of the pictures, now would we?



A cake from PA! My dear friend Ang & her kiddo's celebrated Cooper's day yesterday, and sent me these pictures!


And a different view of his cake in PA. Thanks again Ang, means so very much to me that you thought of Cooper! We love you!!!

~~More details about his day will came later, probably after we get through tomorrow. I would like to thank everyone who sent their thoughts and prayers for Ron and I today. We felt very loved, and know that Cooper felt it too! So, thank you so very, very much. It truly was a blessed day!~~

Happy Birthday Cooper!

Wow, your two already. Where has the time gone. Seems just like yesterday I was sitting at Aunt Kelly's house on the huge exercise ball, praying for you to come out soon. What I wouldn't do to go back to that day. I hope you are having the biggest celebration in Heaven with all your friends. Momma & Daddy miss you so very much. We are going to have cake today for you. Daddy and I are going to spend the whole day together, celebrating your birth. We will send some balloons up to you to have. So make sure you are looking for them. Happy Birthday, our precious son. We love you so very much. Hugs and kisses lil buddy!!!!

Love you forever and always!
Momma

2 years ago...

Today was my due date with Cooper. I had a doctor appointment on this day 2 years ago. I got an ultrasound to estimate his weight, and they said, "He is AT LEAST 9 pounds" He looked so smushed in there. We were going to have a chunky lil boy. It was the last time I would see him moving around. It breaks my heart. Even 2 years later. I will never know who he will look like when he grows up. They say time will heal your hurt, but I think the ones who tell you that have never been through it. And if they have, they must be lying. Even now with the suit being over, it still hurts. 2 years ago right now, he was healthy, and ready to be born. Sometimes I just want to sit in a corner and cry, I know it is not what I am going to do, but it is what I want to do.

I know God has our life path all figured out before we even know it. But that doesn't mean that we have to understand it. I am forced to believe that he needed Cooper much more in Heaven than we needed him here. Don't want to believe it, but forced to. I sometimes think that I am lucky to have such a precious angel watching over me. Most of the time, it is thinking that very thought that gets me through a day. I know it. The pain of loosing a child is not something anyone should have to go through. I grew up hearing people say that a parent should never have to bury their child, no matter how old they are. Oh how true of a statement that is.

I heard a saying through the holidays this year, and it helped me out alot. It is hard to follow, especially at the holidays, but it is soooo very true. It said,

"you should not dwell on what you DON'T have, you should be thankful for what you DO have."